Seattle Chronicles 2

The job hunt seems to be improving a little bit. I went to an interview in which the guy said “we would like to move on to the next level.” Which meant I would fill out this long fuckin’ personality test. It took almost two hours on the computer.

-Do you consider yourself a self-motivated person.
Neutral

-Are you psychotic?
Somewhat like me

-Do the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz speak to you at night?
Strongly agree

Rate the following by importance:
How do you dispose of your dead hookers?
1 Throw into lake chained to concrete

4 Ritualistically cut-up and place body parts around city getting police caught up in your little game only to eventually reveal your message of real beauty verse media influenced vanity on the witness stand

3 Eat with a nice merlot

2 Store intact in a cold place to frequently fulfill your necrophiliac fantasies


Anywho, hate to be a big ole’ grumpy Gus. I went out with some people I met in the area last night. Apparently they don’t adhere to the strict code of “the beer will be on the table for only 5 minutes-then refill” like the highly coveted advertising demographic of 22 to 35 year-old Texan males. I fancy myself as quite a charming individual after a few beers. The police report begged to differ. Turns out, the police reports says I’m loud and obnoxious and often “handsy.” Hmm.

We were at this Irish bar in North Seattle, sitting at a table with a group of about 10 people. I was off to the side of the table trying to enjoy a conversation with some very intelligent and self-confident women. (aka. Brian’s kryptonite). It was pretty intimidating.

“Ralph Nader is just taking votes away from the Democratic party. You know he’s on the Republican’s payroll!” the lovely lass said.

“You can’t believe he’s doing this for selfish, monetary reasons! His views have influenced many Republicans. He’s been one of the most important consumer advocates in the last 20 years!” the fiery, brunette retorted.

“I like hamburgers!” I said.

This other lady with a brown bandana tied around her forehead with a real “Girls can do it!” personality mentioned she had to replace her water heater by herself. Then she tore-up and replaced the carpeting that had been soiled by the leak from the water heater. Being the only guy attempting to be in the conversation I feared she would ask me a question about the matter. I fended off the impending question with a self-assured response about when the nozzle on my hairspray bottle broke off before an interview. I went on to describe my MacGyver like resourcefulness with the cunning use of a banana peel and a bottle of WD-40.

“Turns out I made it to the interview on time! And by the way, my hair looked great! Hahaha!” turn to the camera and smile, giving a thumbs up.

Their emasculating looks sent me in a shame-spiral of self-doubt and remorse. I was really looking forward to taking them back to my air mattress at my brother’s place. “Hold on, I’m almost finished,” as my face turns blue from blowing the damn thing up. Anyway, the weather’s quite lovely.

Seattle Chronicles

So, yeah Seattle's pretty cool. I've been on a few
interviews and I have some scheduled for this week. I
> turned down a job that turned out to be straight
> commission. Can't do that now.
> Anywho, yesterday I went to one of the many parks here
> in town. It's where this art monument of wind chimes
> and whistles was constructed. It's called the
> Soundgarden, that's where the band got it's name. I
> was dressed in a flannel shirt and Doc Martins, I was
> quickly told that was so early nineties by a woman
> with blue hair. After I made-out with the blue hair I
> went to this dog park next to Lake Washington. I was
> standing there watching the hounds play fetch and swim
> when I heard the rumblings of a large boxer at full
> tilt sprint behind me. Before I could turn around the
> great beast clipped the back of my knee at full speed
> sending me airbourne spiraling towards the Earth as I
> let out a barage of cursing and racial epithets equal
> to that of the late Sam Kennison. Having lost the
> water bottle in my hand I landed on the ever damp
> Seattle ground. Before I could gather myself up, an
> overzealous terrior mix with a disproportionate set of
> testicles mounted my leg like a cowboy. His sack
> bounced against my leg like Lexington Steele to (well,
> you know) till his lipstick was visible. An
> apologetic owner rushed to gather the little
> rabbit-dildo off of my leg. Feeling cheap yet oddly
> stimulated, being the most action I've had in a while,
> I left the park jaded and confused. Anyway, the
> weather's quite lovely!